按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
could envy them； but in her case the questions became
phantoms directly she tried seriously to find an answer；
which proved that the traditional answer would be of no
use to her individually。 Yet it had served so many people；
she thought； glancing at the rows of houses on either
side of her； where families； whose ines must be between
a thousand and fifteenhundred a year lived； and
kept； perhaps； three servants； and draped their windows
with curtains which were always thick and generally dirty；
and must； she thought； since you could only see a look
ingglass gleaming above a sideboard on which a dish of
apples was set； keep the room inside very dark。 But she
turned her head away； observing that this was not a
method of thinking the matter out。
The only truth which she could discover was the truth
of what she herself felt—a frail beam when pared
with the broad illumination shed by the eyes of all the
people who are in agreement to see together； but having
rejected the visionary voices； she had no choice but to
make this her guide through the dark masses which confronted
her。 She tried to follow her beam； with an expression
upon her face which would have made any passerby
think her reprehensibly and almost ridiculously detached
from the surrounding scene。 One would have felt alarmed
lest this young and striking woman were about to do
something eccentric。 But her beauty saved her from the
worst fate that can befall a pedestrian； people looked at
her； but they did not laugh。 To seek a true feeling among
the chaos of the unfeelings or halffeelings of life； to
recognize it when found； and to accept the consequences
of the discovery； draws lines upon the smoothest brow；
while it quickens the light of the eyes； it is a pursuit
which is alternately bewildering； debasing； and exalting；
271
Night and Day
and； as Katharine speedily found； her discoveries gave her
equal cause for surprise； shame； and intense anxiety。 Much
depended； as usual； upon the interpretation of the word
love； which word came up again and again； whether she
considered Rodney； Denham； Mary Datchet； or herself； and
in each case it seemed to stand for something different；
and yet for something unmistakable and something not to
be passed by。 For the more she looked into the confusion
of lives which； instead of running parallel； had suddenly
intersected each other； the more distinctly she seemed to
convince herself that there was no other light on them
than was shed by this strange illumination； and no other
path save the one upon which it threw its beams。 Her
blindness in the case of Rodney； her attempt to match his
true feeling with her false feeling； was a failure never to
be sufficiently condemned； indeed； she could only pay it
the tribute of leaving it a black and naked landmark unburied
by attempt at oblivion or excuse。
With this to humiliate there was much to exalt。 She
thought of three different scenes； she thought of Mary
sitting upright and saying； “I’m in love—I’m in love”；
she thought of Rodney losing his selfconsciousness among
the dead leaves； and speaking with the abandonment of
a child； she thought of Denham leaning upon the stone
parapet and talking to the distant sky； so that she thought
him mad。 Her mind； passing from Mary to Denham； from
William to Cassandra； and from Denham to herself—if； as
she rather doubted； Denham’s state of mind was connected
with herself—seemed to be tracing out the lines
of some symmetrical pattern； some arrangement of life；
which invested； if not herself； at least the others； not
only with interest； but with a kind of tragic beauty。 She
had a fantastic picture of them upholding splendid palaces
upon their bent backs。 They were the lanternbearers；
whose lights； scattered among the crowd； wove a
pattern； dissolving； joining； meeting again in bination。
Half forming such conceptions as these in her rapid
walk along the dreary streets of South Kensington； she
determined that； whatever else might be obscure； she
must further the objects of Mary； Denham； William； and
Cassandra。 The way was not apparent。 No course of action
seemed to her indubitably right。 All she achieved by
272
Virginia Woolf
her thinking was the conviction that； in such a cause； no
risk was too great； and that； far from making any rules for
herself or others； she would let difficulties accumulate
unsolved； situations widen their jaws unsatiated； while she
maintained a position of absolute and fearless independence。
So she could best serve the people who loved。
Read in the light of this exaltation； there was a new
meaning in the words which her mother had penciled
upon the card attached to the bunch of anemones。 The
door of the house in the Cromwell Road opened； gloomy
vistas of passage and staircase were revealed； such light
as there was seemed to be concentrated upon a silver
salver of visitingcards； whose black borders suggested
that the widow’s friends had all suffered the same bereavement。
The parlormaid could hardly be expected to
fathom the meaning of the grave tone in which the young
lady proffered the flowers； with Mrs。 Hilbery’s love； and
the door shut upon the offering。
The sight of a face； the slam of a door； are both rather
destructive of exaltation in the abstract； and； as she
walked back to Chelsea； Katharine had her doubts whether
anything would e of her resolves。 If you cannot make
sure of people； however； you can hold fairly fast to figures；
and in some way or other her thought about such
problems as she was wont to consider worked in happily
with her mood as to her friends’ lives。 She reached home
rather late for tea。
On the ancient Dutch chest in the hall she perceived
one or two hats； coats； and walkingsticks； and the sound
of voices reached her as she stood outside the drawing
room door。 Her mother gave a little cry as she came in； a
cry which conveyed to Katharine the fact that she was
late； that the teacups and milkjugs were in a conspiracy
of disobedience； and that she must immediately take her
place at the head of the table and pour out tea for the
guests。 Augustus Pelham； the diarist； liked a calm atmosphere
in which to tell his stories； he liked attention； he
liked to elicit little facts； little stories； about the past
and the great dead； from such distinguished characters
as Mrs。 Hilbery for the nourishment of his diary； for whose
sake he frequented teatables and ate yearly an enormous
quantity of buttered toast。 He； therefore； weled
273
Night and Day
Katharine with relief； and she had merely to shake hands
with Rodney and to greet the American lady who had
e to be shown the relics； before the talk started again
on the broad lines of reminiscence and discussion which
were familiar to her。
Yet； even with this thick veil between them； she could
not help looking at Rodney； as if she could detect what
had happened to him since they met。 It was in vain。 His
clothes； even the white slip； the pearl in his tie； seemed
to intercept her quick glance； and to proclaim the futility
of such inquiries of a discreet； urbane gentleman； who
balanced his cup of tea and poised a slice of bread and
butter on the edge of the saucer。 He would not meet her
eye； but that could be accounted for by his activity in
serving and helping； and the polite alacrity with which
he was answering the questions of the American visitor。
It was certainly a sight to daunt any one ing in
with a head full of theories about love。 The voices of the
invisible questioners were reinforced by the scene round
the table； and sounded with a tremendous selfconfidence；
as if they had behind them the mon sense of twenty
generations； together with the immediate approval of Mr。
Augustus Pelham； Mrs。 Vermont Bankes； William Rodney；
and； possibly； Mrs。 Hilbery herself。 Katharine set her teeth；
not entirely in the metaphorical sense； for her hand； obeying
the impulse towards definite action； laid firmly upon
the table beside her an envelope which she