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sometimes when he was agitated； that I really had to concentrate to catch them all—〃that I had no idea。 I
didn't realize the mess I was leaving behind。 I thought it was safe for you here。 So safe。 I had no idea that
Victoria；〃—his lips curled back when he said the name—〃would e back。 I'll admit； when I saw her
that one time； I was paying much more attention to James's thoughts。 But I just didn't see that she had this
kind of response in her。 That she even had such a tie to him。 I think I realize why now—she was so sure
of him； the thought of him failing never occurred to her。 It was her overconfidence that clouded her
feelings about him—that kept me from seeing the depth of them； the bond there。
〃Not that there's any excuse for what I left you to face。 When I heard what you told Alice—what she
saw herself—when I realized that you had to put your life in the hands of werewolves； immature； volatile；
the worst thing out there besides Victoria herself—he shuddered and the gush of words halted for a short
second。 〃Please know that I had no idea of any of this。 I feel sick； sick to my core； even now； when I can
see and feel you safe in my arms。 I am the most miserable excuse for—〃
〃Stop；〃 I interrupted him。 He stared at me with agonized eyes； and I tried to find the right words—the
words that would free him from this imagined obligation that caused him so much pain。 They were very
hard words to say。 I didn't know if I could get them out without breaking down。 But I had to try to do it
right。 I didn't want to be a source of guilt and anguish in his life。 He should be happy； no matter what it
cost me。
I'd really been hoping to put off this part of our last conversation。 It was going to bring things to an end so
much sooner。
Drawing on all my months of practice with trying to be normal for Charlie； I kept my face smooth。
〃Edward；〃 I said。 His name burned my throat a little on the way out。 I could feel the ghost of the hole；
waiting to rip itself wide again as soon as he disappeared。 I didn't quite see how I was going to survive it
this time。 〃This has to stop now。 You can't think about things that way。 You can't let this… this guilt…
rule your life。 You can't take responsibility for the things that happen to me here。 None of it is your fault；
it's just part of how life is for me。 So； if I trip in front of a bus or whatever it is next time； you have to
realize that it's not your job to take the blame。 You can't just go running off to Italy because you feel bad
that you didn't save me。 Even if I had jumped off that cliff to die； that would have been my choice； and
not your fault。 I know it's your… your nature to shoulder the blame for everything； but you really can't
let that make you go to such extremes！ It's very irresponsible—think of Esme and Carlisle and—〃
I was on the edge of losing it。 I stopped to take a deep breath； hoping to calm myself。 I had to set him
free。 I had to make sure this never happened again。
〃Isabella Marie Swan；〃 he whispered； the strangest expression crossing his face。 He almost looked mad。
〃Do you believe that I asked the Volturi to kill me because I felt guilty？〃
I could feel the blank inprehension on my face。 〃Didn't you？〃
〃Feel guilty？ Intensely so。 More than you can prehend。〃
〃Then… what are you saying？ I don't understand。〃
〃Bella； I went to the Volturi because I thought you were dead；〃 he said； voice soft； eyes fierce。 〃Even if
I'd had no hand in your death〃—he shuddered as he whispered the last word—〃even if it wasn't my
fault； I would have gone to Italy。 Obviously； I should have been more careful—I should have spoken to
Alice directly； rather than accepting it secondhand from Rosalie。 But； really； what was I supposed to
think when the boy said Charlie was at the funeral？ What are the odds？
〃The odds…〃 he muttered then； distracted。 His voice was so low I wasn't sure I beard it right。 〃The odds
are always stacked against us。 Mistake after mistake。 I'll never criticize Romeo again。〃
〃But I still don't understand；〃 I said。 〃That's my whole point。 So what？〃
〃Excuse me？〃
〃So what if I was dead？〃
He stared at me dubiously for a long moment before answering。 〃Don't you remember anything I told you
before？〃
〃I remember everything that you told me。〃 Including the words that had negated all the rest。
He brushed the tip of his cool finger against my lower lip。 〃Bella； you seem to be under a
misapprehension。〃 He closed his eyes； shaking his head back and forth with half a smile on his beautiful
face。 It wasn't a happy smile。 〃I thought I'd explained it clearly before。 Bella； I can't live in a world where
you don't exist。〃
〃I am…〃 My head swam as I looked for the appropriate word。 〃Confused。〃 That worked。 I couldn't
make sense of what he was saying。
He stared deep into my eyes with his sincere； earnest gaze。 〃I'm a good liar； Bella； I have to be。〃
I froze； my muscles locking down as if for impact。 The fault line in my chest rippled； the pain of it took my
breath away。
He shook my shoulder； trying to loosen my rigid pose。 〃Let me finish！ I'm a good liar； but still； for you to
believe me so quickly。〃 He winced。 〃That was… excruciating。〃
I waited； still frozen。
〃When we were in the forest； when I was telling you goodbye—〃
I didn't allow myself to remember。 I fought to keep myself in the present second only。
〃You weren't going to let go；〃 he whispered。 〃I could see that。 I didn't want to do it—it felt like it would
kill me to do it—but I knew that if I couldn't convince you that I didn't love you anymore； it would just
take you that much longer to get on with your life。 I hoped that； if you thought I'd moved on； so would
you。〃
〃A clean break；〃 I whispered through unmoving lips。
〃Exactly。 But I never imagined it would be so easy to do！ I thought it would be next to impossible—that
you would be so sure of the truth that I would have to lie through my teeth for hours to even plant the
seed of doubt in your head。 I lied； and I'm so sorry—sorry because I hurt you； sorry because it was a
worthless effort。 Sorry that I couldn't protect you from what I an。 I lied to save you； and it didn't work。
I'm sorry。
〃But how could you believe me？ After all the thousand times I've told you I love you； how could you let
one word break your faith in me？〃
I didn't answer。 I was too shocked to form a rational response。
〃I could see it in your eyes； that you honestly believed that I didn't want you anymore。 The most absurd；
ridiculous concept—as if there were anu way that I could exist without needing you！〃
I was still frozen。 His words were inprehensible； because they were impossible。
He shook my shoulder again； not hard； but enough that my teeth rattled a little。
〃Bella；〃 he sighed。 〃Really； what were you thinking！〃
And so I started to cry。 The tears welled up and then gushed miserably down my cheeks。
〃I knew it；〃 I sobbed。 〃I knew I was dreaming。〃
〃You're impossible；〃 he said； and he laughed once—a hard laugh； frustrated。 〃How can I put this so that
you'll believe me？ You're not asleep； and you're not dead。 I'm here； and I love you。 I have always loved
you； and I will always love you。 I was thinking of you； seeing your face in my mind； every second that I
was away。 When I told you that I didn't want you； it was the very blackest kind of blasphemy。〃
I shook my head while the tears continued to ooze from the corners of my eyes。
〃You don't believe me； do you？〃 he whispered； his face paler than his usual pale—I could see that even
in the dim light。 〃Why can you believe the lie； but not the truth？〃
〃It never made sense for you to love me；〃 I explained； my voice breaking twice。 〃I always knew that。〃
His eyes narrowed； his jaw tightened。
〃I'll prove you're awake；〃 he promised。
He caught my face securely between his iron hands； ignoring my struggles when I tried to turn my head
away。
〃Please don't；〃 I whispered。
He stopped； his lips just half an inch from mine。
〃Why not？〃 he demanded。 His breath blew into my face； making my head whirl。
〃When