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knowing that I couldn't stop。 Believing that I was going to kill you
myself。〃
〃But you didn't。〃
〃I could have。 So easily。〃
I knew I needed to stay calm… but he was trying to talk himself into
leaving me； and the panic fluttered in my lungs； trying to get out。
〃Promise me；〃 I whispered。
〃What？〃
〃You know what。〃 I was starting to get angry now。 He was so stubbornly
determined to dwell on the negative。
He heard the change in my tone。 His eyes tightened。 〃I don't seem to be
strong enough to stay away from you； so I suppose that you'll get your
way… whether it kills you or not；〃 he added roughly。
〃Good。〃 He hadn't promised； though — a fact that I had not missed。 The
panic was only barely contained； I had no strength left to control the
anger。 〃You told me how you stopped… now I want to know why；〃 I demanded。
〃Why？〃 he repeated warily。
〃Why you did it。 Why didn't you just let the venom spread？ By now I would
be just like you。〃
Edward's eyes seemed to turn flat black； and I remembered that this was
something he'd never intended me to know。 Alice must have been
preoccupied by the things she'd learned about herself… or she'd been very
careful with her thoughts around him — clearly； he'd had no idea that
she'd filled me in on the mechanics of vampire conversions。 He was
surprised； and infuriated。 His nostrils flared； his mouth looked as if it
was chiseled from stone。
He wasn't going to answer； that much was clear。
〃I'll be the first to admit that I have no experience with
relationships；〃 I said。 〃But it just seems logical… a man and woman have
to be somewhat equal… as in； one of them can't always be swooping in and
saving the other one。 They have to save each other equally。〃
He folded his arms on the side of my bed and rested his chin on his arms。
His expression was smooth； the anger reined in。 Evidently he'd decided he
wasn't angry with me。 I hoped I'd get a chance to warn Alice before he
caught up with her。
〃You have saved me；〃 he said quietly。
〃I can't always be Lois Lane；〃 I insisted。 〃I want to be Superman； too。〃
〃You don't know what you're asking。〃 His voice was soft； he stared
intently at the edge of the pillowcase。
〃I think I do。〃
〃Bella； you don't know。 I've had almost niy years to think about this；
and I'm still not sure。〃
〃Do you wish that Carlisle hadn't saved you？〃
〃No； I don't wish that。〃 He paused before continuing。 〃But my life was
over。 I wasn't giving anything up。〃
〃You are my life。 You're the only thing it would hurt me to lose。〃 I was
getting better at this。 It was easy to admit how much I needed him。
He was very calm； though。 Decided。
〃I can't do it； Bella。 I won't do that to you。〃
〃Why not？〃 My throat rasped and the words weren't as loud as I'd meant
them to be。 〃Don't tell me it's too hard！ After today； or I guess it was
a few days ago… anyway； after that； it should be nothing。〃
He glared at me。
〃And the pain？〃 he asked。
I blanched。 I couldn't help it。 But I tried to keep my expression from
showing how clearly I remembered the feeling… the fire in my veins。
〃That's my problem；〃 I said。 〃I can handle it。〃
〃It's possible to take bravery to the point where it bees insanity。〃
〃It's not an issue。 Three days。 Big deal。〃
Edward grimaced again as my words reminded him that I was more informed
than he had ever intended me to be。 I watched him repress the anger；
watched as his eyes grew speculative。
〃Charlie？〃 he asked curtly。 〃Renée？〃
Minutes passed in silence as I struggled to answer his question。 I opened
my mouth； but no sound came out。 I closed it again。 He waited； and his
expression became triumphant because he knew I had no true answer。
〃Look； that's not an issue either；〃 I finally muttered； my voice was as
unconvincing as it always was when I lied。 〃Renée has always made the
choices that work for her — she'd want me to do the same。 And Charlie's
resilient； he's used to being on his own。 I can't take care of them
forever。 I have my own life to live。〃
〃Exactly；〃 he snapped。 〃And I won't end it for you。〃
〃If you're waiting for me to be on my deathbed； I've got news for you！ I
was just there！〃
〃You're going to recover；〃 he reminded me。
I took a deep breath to calm myself； ignoring the spasm of pain it
triggered。 I stared at him； and he stared back。 There was no promise
in his face。
〃No；〃 I said slowly。 〃I'm not。〃
His forehead creased。 〃Of course you are。 You may have a scar or two…〃
〃You're wrong；〃 I insisted。 〃I'm going to die。〃
〃Really； Bella。〃 He was anxious now。 〃You'll be out of here in a few
days。 Two week at most。〃
I glared at him。 〃I may not die now… but I'm going to die sometime。 Every
minute of the day； I get closer。 And I'm going to get old。〃
He frowned as what I was saying sunk in； pressing his long fingers to his
temples and closing his eyes。 〃That's how it's supposed to happen。 How it
should happen。 How it would have happened if I didn't exist — and I
shouldn't exist。〃
I snorted。 He opened his eyes in surprise。 〃That's stupid。 That's like
going to someone who's just won the lottery； taking their money； and
saying； 'Look； let's just go back to how things should be。 It's better
that way。' And I'm not buying it。〃
〃I'm hardly a lottery prize；〃 he growled。
〃That's right。 You're much better。〃
He rolled his eyes and set his lips。 〃Bella； we're not having this
discussion anymore。 I refuse to damn you to an eternity of night and
that's the end of it。〃
〃If you think that's the end； then you don't know me very well；〃 I warned
him。 〃You're not the only vampire I know。〃
His eyes went black again。 〃Alice wouldn't dare。〃
And for a moment he looked so frightening that I couldn't help but
believe it — I couldn't imagine someone brave enough to cross him。
〃Alice already saw it； didn't she？〃 I guessed。 〃That's why the things she
says upset you。 She knows I'm going to be like you… someday。〃
〃She's wrong。 She also saw you dead； but that didn't happen； either。〃
〃You'll never catch me betting against Alice。〃
We stared at each other for a very long time。 It was quiet except for the
whirring of the machines； the beeping； the dripping； the ticking of the
big clock on the wall。 Finally； his expression softened。
〃So where does that leave us？〃 I wondered。
He chuckled humorlessly。 〃I believe it's called an impasse。〃
I sighed。 〃Ouch；〃 I muttered。
〃How are you feeling？〃 he asked； eyeing the button for the nurse。
〃I'm fine；〃 I lied。
〃I don't believe you；〃 he said gently。
〃I'm not going back to sleep。〃
〃You need rest。 All this arguing isn't good for you。〃
〃So give in；〃 I hinted。
〃Nice try。〃 He reached for the button。
〃No！〃
He ignored me。
〃Yes？〃 the speaker on the wall squawked。
〃I think we're ready for more pain medication；〃 he said calmly； ignoring
my furious expression。
〃I'll send in the nurse。〃 The voice sounded very bored。
〃I won't take it；〃 I promised。
He looked toward the sack of fluids hanging beside my bed。 〃I don't think
they're going to ask you to swallow anything。〃
My heart rate started to climb。 He read the fear in my eyes； and sighed
in frustration。
〃Bella； you're in pain。 You need to relax so you can heal。 Why are you
being so difficult？ They're not going to put any more needles in you now。〃
〃I'm not afraid of the needles；〃 I mumbled。 〃I'm afraid to close my eyes。〃
Then he smiled his crooked smile； and took my face between his hands。 〃I
told you I'm not going anywhere。 Don't be afraid。 As long as it makes you
happy； I'll be here。〃
I smiled back； ignoring the ache in my cheeks。 〃You're talking about
forever； you know。〃
〃Oh； you'll get over it — it's just a crush。〃
I shook my head in disbelief— it made me dizzy。 〃I was shocked when Renée
swallowed that one。 I know you know better。〃
〃That's the beautiful thing about being human；〃 he told me。 〃Things
change。〃
My eyes narrowed。 〃Don't hold your breath。〃
He was laughing when the nurse came in； brandishing a syringe。